Questions to ask before you say yes to a rishta

Why the awkward questions are the important ones

Families are careful about caste, sect, education and complexion, and vague about where the couple will live, who is expected to earn, and what happens when a parent gets old. The first set is easy to ask because it is customary. The second set decides whether the marriage works.

None of what follows requires suspicion. A family that has thought seriously about a marriage has already discussed these things among themselves and will answer without difficulty. The questions are also a filter in themselves: how a family reacts to a reasonable question tells you a great deal about how they will handle a disagreement later.

Before the families meet

These belong to the first phone calls, usually between the mothers or through whoever introduced the rishta. They exist to establish whether a meeting is worth arranging at all.

• Age, education, and what the person actually does day to day.
• Marital status, and if previously married, whether there are children and who they live with.
• Which city the couple would live in, and whether either side expects to move country.
• Sect, and what level of religious practice each side expects.
• Who else lives in the household.
• Immigration status, if either side is abroad — plainly, and early.

Asking these early saves months. Two families can spend a season on a rishta that was never going to work because one side always intended to emigrate and the other never did.

At the first meeting

The first meeting is mostly about tone. You are learning how a family talks to each other, how they talk about their daughter or son, and whether they are curious about yours. Two or three real questions are enough.

• Living arrangements. Joint family or separate? If joint, is that permanent or for a period? If separate, who is arranging it?
• Work and study. Will she continue working or studying after marriage? Ask it directly — a warm non-answer here causes trouble later. Ask again until you get a yes or a no.
• Expectations of a daughter-in-law or son-in-law. What does an ordinary Tuesday look like in their house? Who cooks, who works, who looks after whom?
• The wedding itself. Scale, cost, who pays for what. Two families with very different assumptions here find out a fortnight before the wedding.

Once it is getting serious

These come after both sides have said there is genuine interest, and before anyone commits. They are more personal and they should be asked with care, but they should be asked.

• Money. Not exact figures. Who is expected to earn, whether income is pooled or separate, whether either side is supporting parents or repaying a loan, and what happens to her income if she works.
• Mehr. Discuss it now, calmly, rather than in a room full of guests on the day. It is the bride’s right and it belongs in the nikah nama as an amount, marked prompt or deferred.
• Children. Whether both want them, roughly when, and whether either side has a strong view about timing.
• Health. Anything either person is managing long-term. This is asked kindly and answered honestly, in both directions.
• Elderly parents. Who is expected to care for whom, and where.
• Anything agreed verbally. If a family has promised something — a separate flat, permission to continue a degree, an arrangement about existing children — agree that it goes in writing into the marriage contract.

Questions the couple should ask each other

Once both families are agreed, the two people should speak — supervised if that is the family’s preference, but directly. Much of the trouble later comes from two people who never asked each other what they actually wanted.

• What does an ordinary week look like to you, five years from now?
• What does religious practice look like in a household, in practice rather than in principle?
• How do you handle a disagreement? What did that look like in your family growing up?
• What do you expect of me that you would find hard to say out loud?
• Is there anything you would want to keep the way it is now?

When to slow down

None of these means a rishta is dishonest. All of them mean take more time.

• Pressure to decide quickly, or a reason why the usual checks cannot be done this time.
• Reluctance to let the families meet, or to let the couple speak with anyone present.
• Vagueness about work, income or living arrangements that does not clear up when asked directly a second time.
• Refusal to put an agreed condition in writing. A condition that cannot be written down was not really agreed.
• Any request for money before a marriage is agreed, for any reason.
• Details that change between tellings — an age, a job, a previous marriage.

The check that costs least is the simplest: ask to see identification, and ask to meet at their home instead of always somewhere neutral. No honest family is offended by either request. It is also the check most often skipped out of politeness, which is why every profile we send has passed ID and photograph verification before it reaches anyone.

Common questions

If you would rather set these once and have them applied for you, that is what this desk does — you set them once, and a profile that fails any one of them is never sent to you. See how it works, or read the biodata guide first.